(Gender?) Identity crisis

I am 21, AMAB, and my egg(?) cracked(?) in November of last year. Between the ages of, at a guess, 14 & 18, I used to persistently daydream about being or becoming a girl, like I spent an abnormal amount of time thinking about it. Back then I wrote it off as nothing because I wasn’t particularly dysphoric or anything, assuming that if I were trans I’d know about it. These largely ceased once I started work. At the same time, I’d always been very on top of keeping body hair growth to a minimum. I’ve always hated it, and have been shaving my face, chest and stomach my entire life. I cannot sleep at night if those get too long. I’d always thought about doing other areas but it either seems too big a task or was afraid of being judged for it. I’m also uncomfortable with the idea of people seeing it, feeling like me with stubble etc… is not an accurate representation of who I am internally. Similarly, I’d always felt an incomprehensible draw to have long hair, something I wasn’t able to until the COVID pandemic. I don’t think I could ever go back, and have always been very resistant to suggestions that I should. I’ve always consciously known this was because I wanted to present more feminine, but just didn’t really see it as a trans thing because I’m not dysphoric about literally anything else. I don’t feel like I have a particularly masculine body anyway though? It’s confusing. Fast forward to November last year. I’m hanging out with some friends, one of whom is trans, and I guess she can kind of tell something’s up because she starts to prod a little. She asks what’d stop me and I say that I’m “not that uncomfortable the way I am”, refusing to address what “the way I am” actually means for whatever reason. She responds with four words; “Are you comfortable though?” and it felt like my world shattered. No? I mean at least about the hair thing? That night I tossed and turned for hours in bed with the memories of being a teenager sat in lessons fantasising about waking up a girl instead of working, amongst other things I’ve omitted here for the sake of brevity, flooding back in. A couple weeks later I go to talk to her about it all, and I come out of the conversation with the conclusion that yeah, I’m definitely not cis. Over the following months I come out to several important people, do things like go out in makeup etc.. and I begin making plans to get on HRT. It’s all very exciting in the moment. The New Year rolls around. And suddenly I’m in a crisis. I’m wracked with doubts, but I press on regardless. I’m spending shifts at work in untold fear, having what I can only assume are panic attacks etc… eventually I do start HRT (DIY, bad idea I know), and the fear gets worse. I’m filled with thoughts like I could easily just go back to before all this, I was fine, what am I doing, this is going to ruin my life, I won’t be able to maintain it forever etc… I’m currently in the second week of that. I intend to continue at least until the end of the month to see if I get any psychological effects that help sway me but it’s the only thing I’ve been able to think about for months and I don’t know what I am or what I want or what I need anymore and it’s affecting my ability to work and damaging my personal life. It’s in my dreams now and I can’t even sleep to get away from it all. Not even sure what I want out of posting this. Just some insight I guess. I’ve definitely skipped details here and probably not described my actual feelings all that much so if you have any questions please ask and I will answer them later when I get a chance.