Yearning for a Vagina, Trapped by Fear: My Struggle with Gender Dysphoria in a Middle Eastern Culture

Hey I've been lurking here for a while, but today I need to get this off my chest. I'm a 32-year-old guy from the Middle East, and deep down, I've always felt like a woman. It's not just a fleeting thought—it's who I am at my core. The emotions, the way I see myself, the longing for softness and femininity—it's all there. But the part that's tearing me apart the most is my genitals. I hate my penis so much; it's like this unwanted, alien thing attached to me that never felt right. Every time I look down, it's a reminder of the body that traps me, and I wish more than anything I could get rid of it for good. I dream of having a vagina instead—something that aligns with the woman I know I am. If only it were possible to switch with someone who feels the opposite, like trading parts to make us both whole. That would be a miracle. I wouldn't mind the challenges at all. Periods? Bring them on—they'd be a sign that my body is finally mine. Pregnancy? I'd embrace it with open arms, feeling life grow inside me, experiencing that connection. Those "downsides" feel like privileges to me, parts of womanhood I'd cherish because they'd mean I'm living authentically. But the reality? It's crushing me. What stops me cold is the fear of judgment. My family is traditional, rooted in Middle Eastern culture where gender roles are strict and unforgiving. If I came out or transitioned, they'd see me as a freak, a disgrace. I've heard the stories—people disowned, shunned, or worse. I'm so scared they'd cut me off, or try to "fix" me with shame and pressure. Society here is no better; being trans or even questioning your gender can mean isolation, danger, or legal trouble. I feel like a monster for thinking this way, like there's something wrong with me for wanting to be true to myself. The guilt eats at me—am I really a freak? Why can't I just be "normal"? Because of this, I can't even get into relationships. The thought of opening up to someone terrifies me; what if they react badly, or word gets back to my family? I'm afraid I'd end up in trouble, rejected, or alone forever. It's lonely, crying myself to sleep wishing for a body that matches my soul, but too paralyzed to act. Has anyone else felt this way, especially from similar cultural backgrounds? Any advice on dealing with the fear? Thanks for reading—your stories here give me hope.