i don’t know what to do

i’m just so mentally exhausted. i go outside, i eat decently, i sleep decently, i have a shit ton of fun hobbies that i enjoy that i commit to like drawing, clay stuff, arts and crafts, shit like that. i’m literally making a comic. my grades aren’t horrible. i will admit that i slack off sometimes but not consistently, im trying my best to get better and nothings working. except— that’s a lie. i know im not trying my best. if i was, i wouldn’t be lying to the people around me. i self harm. i keep relapsing. do i tell anybody? no. and i don’t know why 🫩 some part of me wants to get worse and i hate that. i feel like in general im happy and i have no good reason to be sad but i have really bad mood swings and spiral at the smallest things. the second something doesn’t go the way i want it to my mind immediately resorts to self harm and getting worse. and i don’t even try to fight it. i hesitate, sure, but i never tell anyone. i never reach out. i’m so tired of living like this and i don’t know what to do. i don’t know how to open up. it’s so hard. everybody thinks i’m doing better, and hell, i do too at some points, but im not. i think about committing everyday. i’ll never do it. i know i won’t. but it plagues my mind and fucking destroys me. i feel like nobody talks about just how hard it is to get better. it’s such a struggle.