Vent(sh mentioned)

I’ve had depression since early adolescence. My parents didn’t really take it seriously because I was “just a child,” and they thought it was simply a phase. But over time I only got worse, and I started having suicidal thoughts. Unfortunately, a war started in my country and I was forced to leave. A new country, new people — it was very difficult to go through all of that. I couldn’t make friends, and even after a few years I still haven’t managed to find any. (I speak the language of the country I live in very well, just so you know.) And then, just when I finally got used to everything and started feeling better, I began getting sick often. I have autoimmune diseases, and it’s very important for me to see doctors even for small problems. I’m afraid of doctors because of childhood trauma. Every time I’m in a hospital, I get extremely scared and start sweating. My mom still takes me to doctors even though I’m already an adult. I don’t want to go, but I also understand that in some cases they really did help. These last few days I’ve been feeling very bad emotionally. I have no energy, I cry all the time, and I pray every day that I can stop going to doctors. I even started to do sh..........I don’t have the strength to endure this anymore. I’m not sick with anything serious, but you have to understand — I’m someone who has a very severe medical trauma from childhood, and now I have to face this problem every week. I have a psychologist, but right now I can’t talk to her, and I don’t even know if it’s worth it because I feel like she won’t understand me and will just tell me to go to the doctor. I would go if I didn’t have this terrifying fear that constantly gives me stress and tears. I don’t know what to do anymore.(Also i broke up with my bf , and lost connections)I hope my medical results will be better (at least I’ve started gaining a little weight). Share your thoughts… Has anyone else had a very strong fear of doctors? How did you deal with it? How did you endure it