vent: i can’t eat anymore

I think I just need to vent to a group that I think will understand. I was diagnosed with PCOS in 2022, and I’ve tried to do all of the healthy things while avoiding depriving myself or being thrown back into disordered eating. Seven years ago I recovered from a dangerous ED, and I have tried harder than anyone around me ever has to eat well while being kind to myself (my whole family are fit + skinny and they always eat anything that their hearts desire, except for my mom who has a severe ED). My partner is very thin, and eats absolutely anything and everything, and is complimented for her body almost every time we leave the house. The way that I have eaten in the past is exponentially more healthy than her diet has ever been, but I have been called fat, judged, or just been generally ignored by so many people since I have gained some weight back in recovery. I’m just really tired, and deeply depressed. I recently lost someone really important people to me in a freak accident, I’ve been struggling so hard to find employment so I can feed myself and keep a roof over my head, and I just can’t think about food and eating anymore, so I’ve stopped. At this point, pardon my french, but I can’t stop thinking ‘fuck it, if i just whither away, my struggle is over.’ I don’t know. I don’t know what to do. I just feel ready to throw in the towel.