just ranting

i’m currently enrolled in my last semester of my senior year of college. if everything goes well in the two classes i have left to complete i’ll be graduated by june this should be exciting, but i feel so empty. the only people i talk to are my mom, my roommate and my girlfriend. except i’m terrible at staying in touch with my mom and my roommate and i have grown very distant lately, so really, i spent all of my time with my girlfriend (we also live together and have almost every class together) i find myself wanting to die so much lately. i just can’t do it anymore, nothing feels worth it. graduating feels impossible, and then after that, what comes next? we have to move out of our apartment by september and i barely have enough money to keep myself alive, let alone to save for a down payment, first months rent, etc i work part-time at a local grocery store stocking shelves but now that the christmas rush is over, i barely get scheduled. and when i am there i feel just as bad, i don’t really click with anyone there and ik people see me as some weird ass autistic freak i have no idea how to make friends, no matter how hard i try to. im getting high every day night and during the day i feel completely disassociated. my apartment is a mess, we’ve had a fly infestation for a year now and i spent about six months doing everything in my power to get rid of it but its just not going away, so i dont even give af anymore. i am getting a degree in animation, and have to complete a senior thesis film that’s due at the beginning of may. i have completely lost my passion for it, as well as art in general, and every time i sit down to work on it i end up crying or freaking out because this dictates whether or not i graduate. my professors have already made it very clear that they believe i’m going to fail anyways i really just do not have any fight left, the only thing keeping me alive is the fear of harming myself. i genuinely don’t even know what i could do at this point to make muself feel like there is a point to all of this. im so tried