Im overwhelmed

Hey lovely people. It’s all too much, it affects my work life and relationships, and I can’t sleep. I need to be a woman but I can’t, and I’m trying to hold it all together. It’s not working, I’m trying but I’m failing. How do you deal with it? I miss being ok, or at least in denial, then I could just say that everything was fine and I had my depression activities to cope. Am I mentally Ill? Why do I want this so much? Why do I put on makeup? Why do clothes make me feel good?